I’ve always struggled with a deep unhappiness. Life always seemed pointless, I was never one to be motivated by success or money. Yet, while I was in my 20s, I still held on to this optimism of the future, my future. Even if I was currently unhappy, I held on to some hope that this was temporary.
But when I hit my 30s, I saw my life trajectory – the monotony, the stagnation – and no longer could see a point where this would end. I had reached a level of success in my career, but I had never felt worse.
I was in a dark place. I struggled to get out of bed every morning. The thought of working made me feel physically ill. My relationship seemed like it was sucking the remaining life force I had left. And I felt like no one around me understood what I was going through. Everyone around me had their own problems, but they still maintained some level of ambition, some faith in climbing the ladder in corporate land, that more money would solve their problems. But more money had not solved my problems, and so I’m now searching for my own answers.
I quit my job, moved to London from New York, trying to take drastic measures to force a change, but I realized my depression wasn’t caused by something external. There was no quick fix, no magic answer, I was the problem, and I could’t run away from myself.
And so, this is my journal, where I’m documenting my journey to find myself and rediscover the little joys in life. I want to create a life where I am able to forego the societal pressures to follow this narrow definition of success, and be free to follow my passions. Now, my current problem is that I don’t have any passions, so we’re really starting at square one.
I’m blogging this to hold myself accountable, so that each day I waste away in bed, I feel some sort of responsibility to someone other than just myself. I need to push myself to embark on a journey of self-discovery and empowerment, and I hope you can help push me along as well.
